In an attempt to foster teamwork within the group and hopefully help them to tone down their personality quirks, Master takes the guys to a bowling alley for a friendly competition. Predictably, it doesn't work.
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[Master]: My name is Mitaka Yuuichi. I’m the master at Café Kichijyouji. Recently, I don’t know whether to say the workers here have too much energy, or they’re restless, or noisy… Any way you put it all they cause me is trouble and thanks to them, I’m developing an ulcer. Obsessive-compulsive Taro and sloppy Maki fight whenever they’re free; scatter-brained Toku breaks a plate every hour every day; Minagawa was suspicious beyond belief from the very beginning; Jun used to be obedient, but recently he’s come to resemble Minagaw…! They’re all good guys at heart, but unfortunately, this problem is too much for me to handle. At this rate, my ulcer is going to burst and my stomach is going to split open… What should I do? How can I make them get along and become a cohesive team?
(bowling noises fade up)
[Master]: Ah, I’d like to take today to work on your calmness and your teamwork. So I decided we’d have a friendly bowling competition
[Taro]: I wondered what you had in mind when you suddenly called us out like this. We’re having a bowling competition?
[Maki]: I was sleeping in because we finally got a break. You called us out for this?
[Toku]: We get along even without all this, though
[Jun]: It’s a bit of a pain, isn’t it
[Minagawa]: Bowling… (chuckles)
[Master]: (thinking) Agh, idiots! (aloud) Ah, well, it’s good to do these kinds of things every once in a while. Anyway, we’ll break up into teams using the ladder game*
[Taro]: Okay, okay, we understand
(shuffling as they draw out the ladder game)
[Maki: Man. Come on…
[Jun]: We’ve no other choice, have we
(short pause)
[Master]: Um, Team A is… Taro and Maki. Team B is Toku and Minagawa. So Team C is Jun and myself.
[Maki]: What? I’m with Taro?
[Taro]: You’re not the only one unhappy with this pairing, you know!
[Maki]: What’d you say? I hate being with you more!
[Taro]: Pairing up with a sloppy guy like you is tantamount to losing before the game starts!
[Maki]: What about me? There’s no way I can win a game I’d normally win with you here!
[Toku]: (tearfully) Ma-Ma-Master! I’m scared of pairing up with Minagawa-san!
[Minagawa]: … I don’t mind at all (chuckles)
[Toku]: Aaahh, he’s plotting something weird again…
[Minagawa]: I’m not really plotting anything… (chuckles)
[Toku]: Y-you’re lying. Those are definitely plotting eyes
[Minagawa]: How mean… I just thought that you and I could wear the same shoes and outfits…
(he unzips a garment bag)
[Toku]: I don’t wanna! Why do you have those things all prepared?!
[Jun]: I’m with you, Master?
[Master]: Is something wrong with that?
[Jun]: Not really. I was just worried that you won’t be able to keep up with me, Master, since you’re old
[Master]: Agh, enough talking. Think about it as cooperation practice. Quit complaining!
[Worker]: Sir? Could you please keep your voice down? It might bother the other customers…
[Master]: Oh! … Ah, I’m sorry
[Jun]: Aaahh, you got scolded
[Master]: That was your fault!
[All]: Shhhhh!!
[Worker]: Sir?
[Master]: Ohh, I’m sorry. (thinking) Ah, my stomach, ah…
(time passes)
[Taro]: All right, is everyone here?
[Maki]: Man, these shoes are filthy
[Toku]: Can’t be helped. This bowling alley is falling apart
[Jun]: This is my first time bowling
[Master]: Okay, shall we get started? The first player is, um…
(creepy flute music)
[Minagawa]: (chuckles) It seems that my time has arrived (chuckles)
[Master]: Uh, shall we start from Minagawa then?
[Jun]: Wow, you’re amazing, Minagawa-san. You have your own ball and shoes
[Toku]: (thinking) Who in the world has his own ball, shoes, and even glove in this day and age?
[Taro]: You usually think of Minagawa as an indoors-type person. He doesn’t really seem the sporty type
[Maki]: What’s a sport that would fit him? Ushi no koku mairi** or something?
[Minagawa]: Maki-chan. Ushi no koku mairi is harder than you think
[Maki]: Wh-what?
[Minagawa]: There are proper rules to follow. You need a straw doll and a 15.15 centimeter long nail, and taper candles on trivets around your head. And in your mouth, a comb
[Jun]: Uh-huh. And then?
[Minagawa]: You need a white outfit; your feet must be bare. Ah, and in your breast pocket, a hand-mirror
[Taro]: Aagh, don’t talk about such creepy things!
[Jun]: Hm, I didn’t know there were so many rules. It’s quite troublesome, isn’t it
[Maki]: Jun. Why are you taking notes with so seriously?
[Minagawa]: Well, at any rate, the first player is Minagawa Hifumi. Here I go…
(pins go crashing)
[Toku]: Wow, amazing! He got a strike, right down the middle, in one shot! You’re really good, Minagawa-san!
[Taro]: Even though he looks like that, Minagawa’s bowling arm is pro-level
[Toku]: Hmmmm. Did you play something before?
[Minagawa]: If I remember, 20 years ago I was the legendary traveling bowler, drifting throughout Japan searching for the mother I’d been separated from in childhood
[Maki]: What?
[Minagawa]: I was known as Minagawa, the god of death, in bowling alleys across the country. I was a terrifying thing to enter a lane I had just bowled in …
[Toku]: Uh, um… Minagawa-san, what kind of past did you…
[Maki]: Toku. Don’t think about it too deeply. You’ve lost if you think about it
[Minagawa]: … Just kidding (chuckles)
[Jun]: All right, all right. Let’s continue the game. Next, Ichinomiya Jun. Here I go!
[Taro]: Aahh, wait a moment Jun!
[Jun]: Ready, and…
(he winds up and things go boom!)
[Maki]: Oh no… he did it
[Jun]: Huh? There’s a hole in the wall
[Master]: Jun!
[Worker]: Sir. Please be careful with the items!
[Master]: Ah, I-I’m sorry. (thinking) Oh, ah, my stomach…
[Taro]: Look, we got scolded by the worker again
[Maki]: Jun, you have stupid strong strength so you gotta hold back a bit
[Jun]: I did hold back…
[Maki]: That doesn’t count as holding back. Hey Toku! Bring that thing
[Toku]: Sure
(chains clink)
[Jun]: Ah, what are these weights for?
[Maki]: Shut up. Think of these as better than handing in your resignation
[Jun]: How can you give a handicap to only me? Please stop bullying me because I’m younger than you
[Toku]: Your brute strength bullies your elders
[Jun]: Hmph. All right, I’ll throw once more. Ready, and…
(he bowls like a normal person)
[Toku]: Ah, so close! Only one left
[Jun]: Ah, but it’s wobbling about! Come on, fall over! Fall over!
[Maki]: It’s not gonna fall over just ‘cause you tell it to (laughs)
[Toku]: Oh, that’s right! Try jumping over here! It might fall over
[Jun]: Ah, you’re right. And, go!
(Thud! Thud! Thud! Bowling pins topple over)
[Girl1]: Aaaah! What? Why are they falling over all on their own?
[Girl2]: Ah, even the pins down there are falling!
[All]: Aaaaaah!
[Jun]: Yay! Did you all see that? All 24 lanes got strikes one after the other!
[Master]: … Jun. A guy like you…
[Maki]: … Jun. Stick out your legs
(more chains)
[Jun]: Ah, what are you doing?
[Maki]: Shut up. Thinks of this as better than having them tied up with rope
[Jun]: Aw, I even held back, too
(time passes)
[Toku]: Ah, okay. I’ll go next!
[Master]: Oh? Toku’s going next? That’s right, Toku goes to an athletic college
[Toku]: Yep. I practice bowling at school, so I’m pretty confident
[Taro]: Hmmm, I didn’t know that
[Toku]: Okay, here I go. Ready, and – woah! My finger! It’s stuck in the ball!
[Master]: Huh? Toku! What are you doing? Let go!
[Toku]: Aah, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, my eyes are spinning…! Woah!!!
(crash)
[Maki]: Hey, Toku’s pretty good. He got a strike on his first shot
[Taro]: But, he sent his whole body tumbling along with the ball. It he okay?
[Minagawa]: It’s fine. The ball goes beneath the lane and returns automatically. See?
(silence, a slight creaking)
[Master]: … Hey, there’s a weird noise coming from under the lane. It’s headed this way…
[Taro]: Ah, he came back
(pop!)
[Toku]: I, I’m back…
[Minagawa]: Welcome back
[Toku]: Ah, that surprised me. Man, my back hurts
[Master]: Aaaahhh… Toku, are you all right?
[Toku]: Huh? I’m fine. The disks in my spine slipped out a little, but I’m all good
(popping of joints)
[Master]: Oh, really, that’s fine then… (thinking) Agh, that’s not what I meant! Aaaah, my stomach’s at the breaking point!
[Maki]: All right! And now, today’s star has arrived. The man you’ve all been waiting for, the price of the lane, it’s Ohkubo Maki! I’ll throw this brilliantly
[Taro]: What’re you talking about, ‘prince’? Your contribution is the organization of strange behavior***
[Maki]: You’re always such a pain in the ass…
[Jun]: We don’t have time, so please throw it already
[Toku]: If you keep arguing, Master’s ulcer’ll pop
[Maki]: Fine, I got it. All right. Ready, and…
(he sends the ball down the lane, pins crash down)
[Maki]: All right! A perfect strike! And my form was perfect too. That’s the amazing me for you!
[Taro]: Maki. Next lane
[Maki]: Huh?
[Toku]: Maki-san’s ball flew into the next lane over
[Maki]: Aagh! Crap!!
[Jun]: Even if you get a perfect strike, it’s meaningless if it’s in the next lane
[Worker]: Sir. Please play only in your own lane. Sheesh
[Master]: Aaahh, uhh, I’m really, really sorry
(strange gurgling noises from Master’s stomach. Time passes)
[Taro]: Really you guys. Can’t you even do one game of bowling properly?
[Maki]: Well, we’re doing it right in our heads. Maybe it’s just a spat of bad luck?
[Master]: (thinking) There’s no way this is just bad luck
[Toku]: Um, next is…
[Taro]: It’s me
[Master]: Please, Taro… Even if it’s only you, please do it properly
[Taro]: Don’t worry Master. Unlike those guy, a serious guy like me doesn’t cause problems to others
[Master]: Y-you’re right. Taro, you’re not that type of guy
[Taro]: Of course not. I’m not a menace to humanity like those guys. Please relax
[Toku]: It’s no fair that only Taro-san isn’t getting belittled
[Jun]: Really. I haven’t even done anything and I had these weights put on me…
(clinking of chains)
[Maki]: Honor students are really disgusting…
[Minagawa]: (chuckles)
[Taro]: Shut up. You guys have no one to blame but yourselves. Look, it’s my turn to throw, so don’t get in the way
[Maki]: Yes, yes, please, do throw
[Taro]: Let’s see (deep breath) Ready, go!!... Huh? What? Where’d the ball go?
(thud!)
[Master]: Oof… Taro… the ball… gah…
[Taro]: M-Master!
[Toku]: Aagh, Taro-san, what have you done!
[Maki]: You don’t get any points for hitting Master!
[Taro]: I- I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!
[Master]: I- I know… brugh… but… (gurgle)
[Toku]: Woah, there’s blood in the… Taro-san, what do we do?!
[Taro]: Ah, I’m sorry Master!
[Master]: No… but more… more than that… doctor…
(he collapses)
[Toku]: Ah, Master!
[Taro]: Please hold on!
[Jun]: Master! Don’t die!
(Minagawa dials 119)
[Maki]: Taro, how could you?
[Minagawa]: Hello? May I have one ambulance please?
[Others]: Master!!!
(the ambulance siren sounds. Creepy little laugh, WTF?!)
END.

*The “ladder game” (amida)kuji is the Japanese equivalent of pulling names out of a hat. You draw out a lattice-like structure, place one name at the top of every vertical line and grouping you’re trying to decide at the bottom. Then follow the lattice lines from top to bottom anyway you want until all the names are connected with one decision. It’s easier to show than to explain (^_^;;

** Ushi no koku mairi is an ancient Japanese way to curse someone to death. It literally means “visits at the hour of the ox”, because the nailing of the straw doll should be done at the hour of the ox (1-3 in the morning)

*** Taro is punning off of Maki’s describing himself as “kikoushi (貴公子)” by using “kikou (寄稿)” ‘contribution’ and “kikou (機構)” ‘organization’

Happy New Year!